This is a classic underdog story.
A scrappy football team. No talent, all heart. Fighting for a chance at the playoffs.
The competition? Only the most skillful team in the league. A squad so overconfident, its captain says things like this:
“We never really practice. We just have game adaptability.”
The underdogs, well, they do practice. They showed up an hour before anyone else to run drills and draw up a few plays. Here’s one of them:
The quarterback lines up in the shotgun position. He’s riding a unicycle, because this is the Unicycle Football League in San Marcos. In this league, every player rides a unicycle — passes on a unicycle, catches on a unicycle, plays defense on a unicycle.
The quarterback flaps his arms like a bird. He squawks like a bird, too.“Ka-caw! Ka-CAW!”
On cue, the wide receiver goes in motion, pedaling down the line of scrimmage. The ball is snapped. The receiver, Jeff “Big Bird” Hogan, darts toward the end zone.
Quarterback Daniel “Air Dan” McCarthy lofts a spiral into the receiver’s waiting arms. Big Bird rolls in — literally, he rolls in — for the touchdown.
With plays like these, who knows?
“It’s going to be a hard fight,” Air Dan admits. “Our chances for beating them are slim.”
“Our chances are high,” argues his teammate, Dane “Toilet Face” Walter, “because we’re so awesome. We do drink more than the other team, so that gives us an advantage.”
Another advantage? The teammates, who call themselves the Illeagles, are wearing face paint.
Their opponents, the heavily favored Unicychos, stroll in just before kickoff. The Unicychos’ captain hears about the Illeagles’ new plays. He’s not impressed.
“Trick plays might work once or twice,” he says, “but we’re quick on our feet, so we know how to adapt to it.”
The game begins not with a coin flip but with a joust to determine which team will take first possession. It’s Sunday afternoon in the parking lot of a farmer’s market in San Marcos. Some 150 spectators have come out to watch the game.
And what a game it is. With only a minute and 21 seconds left to play, the Illeagles are losing by a touchdown. The score is 41-34, and this is the final drive. Can Air Dan march his team to a comeback victory?
Air Dan throws a pass to Toilet Face. The ball falls in and out of Toilet Face’s hands.
“Tensions are running high in this very close game,” says the announcer.
Next play: a quarterback keeper. Air Dan sprints around the corner, eluding a Unicycho defender and escaping out of bounds. The clock stops with 37 seconds to go.
He tries another sweep but can’t make it to the sideline in time. The clock is ticking.
Air Dan drops back to pass. Quarterback sack.
Seven seconds left. There’s only time for one more play.
Air Dan flaps his arms furiously. Big Bird sprints toward the end zone. Air Dan lofts a pass high in the air.
This is exactly how they practiced it, before the game. Big Bird stretches for the ball. He brings it in. Touchdown.
Time expires with a score of 41-40, Unicychos’ favor. The only hope now for the Illeagles is the point-after attempt. They may run in the ball for one point, or they may kick it through the uprights for two.
(Three women sprint into the end zone and link their arms to form the goal posts.)
Air Dan fields the snap. He races toward the extra point to tie the score, but a Unicycho stops him before he can cross the goal line.
The game is over, it seems. But wait! The referee is blowing his whistle. He’s calling a penalty against the Unicychos, claiming the defense jumped offside.
The Illeagles have one more chance.
“The torture is almost unbearable,” the announcer says. “The line between pleasure and pain has been breached.”
All eyes are upon Air Dan as he takes the snap. The Unicychos blitz from either corner. The quarterback has no choice but to attempt the kick. Balancing on his unicycle, he boots the football.
It sails toward the uprights.
It sails wide right.
Instead of an upset victory, the Illeagles lose by a single point, 41-40.
Afterward, the captain of the winning team — Alan “Corporal Punishment” Barnes — is magnanimous.
“That was our hardest game all year. Harder, even, than the games we lost,” he says. “They definitely had some surprises for us. We had to make a lot of changes. It was the most we’ve had to adapt yet.”
The Illeagles have one more chance to sneak into the playoffs, if only they can defeat the mighty Hot Dogs this Sunday.
The Hot Dogs have already clenched first place — whether or not they win the final game of the regular season — so maybe their players won’t be so motivated when they face the Illeagles.
That’s what the Illeagles are hoping.
“If we fight half as hard as we did this week,” Air Dan says, “we’ll win.”
First published in the Hays Free Press.
9,989 responses to “Unicycle football is hell on wheel”
My brother recommended I would possibly like this web site. He used to be entirely right. This post actually made my day. You cann’t believe simply how much time I had spent for this information! Thank you!
You need to take part in a contest for one of the most useful websites on the net. I will highly recommend this website!
Thanks a bunch for sharing this with all of us you actually know what you are talking about! Bookmarked. Kindly also visit my site =). We could have a link exchange agreement between us!
Sex
Porn site
Viagra
It’s hard to find well-informed people on this topic, however, you seem like you know what you’re talking about! Thanks
Sex
Porn
Next time I read a blog, Hopefully it won’t fail me as much as this one. I mean, Yes, it was my choice to read through, however I really thought you would have something helpful to say. All I hear is a bunch of moaning about something that you can fix if you were not too busy seeking attention.
Sex
Good day! This is kind of off topic but I need some help from an established blog. Is it difficult to set up your own blog? I’m not very techincal but I can figure things out pretty fast. I’m thinking about creating my own but I’m not sure where to start. Do you have any ideas or suggestions? With thanks
Porn site
I absolutely love your website.. Pleasant colors & theme. Did you develop this amazing site yourself? Please reply back as I’m planning to create my own website and want to find out where you got this from or just what the theme is named. Many thanks.
I must thank you for the efforts you’ve put in penning this website. I’m hoping to see the same high-grade content from you in the future as well. In truth, your creative writing abilities has inspired me to get my own site now 😉
Together with almost everything which appears to be building throughout this area, a significant percentage of points of view are actually rather refreshing. On the other hand, I beg your pardon, because I do not give credence to your entire suggestion, all be it refreshing none the less. It would seem to me that your remarks are actually not entirely justified and in fact you are generally yourself not really entirely convinced of the point. In any event I did take pleasure in examining it.
Porn
I am extremely impressed with your writing skills as well as with the layout on your weblog. Is this a paid theme or did you modify it yourself? Either way keep up the excellent quality writing, it?s rare to see a great blog like this one nowadays..
Porn site
Your style is very unique compared to other people I have read stuff from. Many thanks for posting when you’ve got the opportunity, Guess I will just bookmark this blog.
Sex
Viagra
Scam
Superb blog! Do you have any helpful hints for aspiring writers? I’m planning to start my own blog soon but I’m a little lost on everything. Would you recommend starting with a free platform like WordPress or go for a paid option? There are so many choices out there that I’m completely overwhelmed .. Any tips? Appreciate it!
Viagra
Porn
Sex
Pornstar
Pornstar
I really like it when folks get together and share ideas. Great website, keep it up!
Viagra
Porn
They established their company in 1992, then transformed it in 1999 and further re-invented in 2007.
You really make it seem so easy with your presentation but I find this topic to be actually something that I think I would never understand. It seems too complex and very broad for me. I am looking forward for your next post, I?ll try to get the hang of it!
Buy Drugs
Sex
Viagra
Very great post. I just stumbled upon your weblog and wished to mention that I have truly loved surfing around your blog posts. After all I’ll be subscribing on your rss feed and I am hoping you write once more soon!
Porn site
hi!,I like your writing so much! share we communicate more about your post on AOL? I need an expert on this area to solve my problem. Maybe that’s you! Looking forward to see you.
You can definitely see your expertise within the work you write. The world hopes for more passionate writers such as you who aren’t afraid to mention how they believe. Always follow your heart.
This is the perfect web site for anybody who wants to understand this topic. You understand a whole lot its almost hard to argue with you (not that I personally would want to…HaHa). You definitely put a brand new spin on a subject that’s been discussed for decades. Wonderful stuff, just excellent.
What?s Happening i’m new to this, I stumbled upon this I have found It absolutely useful and it has aided me out loads. I hope to contribute & assist other users like its aided me. Great job.
Thank you, I have recently been searching for information about this topic for a while and yours is the greatest I have found out so far. But, what in regards to the conclusion? Are you positive in regards to the supply?
Often considered the dollar’s alter-ego, the euro is the official currency of 16 of the 27 members of the European Union and accounts for around 37 percent of all transactions in the foreign exchange market.
Board of Trade of City of Chicago v.
You have to keep in mind that you have to make use of the financial instruments provided to you.
The home of the future will have robot servants — they just won’t be big, shiny metal androids rolling around and cracking jokes.
If you think the cost of a stock will boost, you’ll buy a call option.
If the past is any indication, e-mail scam artists and Internet fraud perpetrators will continue to evolve with technology, constantly probing security systems for weaknesses and searching for victims to dupe.